'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'

'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'

Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'

'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'

'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.

'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

'How did you get on today?' inquired the golf pro of Mick McCann.

'Well, to tell you the truth I didn't play my normal game - but then I never do!

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch.

'I've bought a new clock,' boasted Clancy. 'It goes eight days without winding.'

'How long does it go if you do wind it?' asked the barman.

The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?'

'Just a second,' said the receptionist.

Thank you,' said the drunk and replaced the phone.

'Wasn't it tragic about my brother Michael,' moaned Kelly. 'Women and whiskey killed him.'

'Is that so?' sympathised OToole.

'Yes, he couldn't get either so he hung himself!'

'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?' asked McPhee.

'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Kelly. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'

The Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.

'Have you any last request?' asked the prison warden.

'Yes,' replied the prisoner. 'Would you hold my hand when I go?'

'Who's down the hold of the ship?' called the Irish foreman.

Tom McAneamy,' replied the Liverpool docker. 'Well, one of you three come up here and give me a hand!'

Sign in a London pub: 'Happy hour - all you can drink for £1.'

Murphy went up to the bar and said Till have two quids' worth please.'

'Listen boys,' said the football coach. 'We've got to equalise before they score or we've got no chance!'

'We're in trouble today,' said the coach. 'Everything in our favour is against us!'

When Dublin played Down in the all-Ireland final, it was the only case in history when 30,000 people carried banners saying - 'Up Down!'

'It looks as if it may get foggy later on,' said the match referee. 'So just to be sure, I suggest we play extra time first.'

'Agreed!' said the two team captains.

There were five horses in the race and Murphy had backed numbers one, two, three and four.

'What won?' he asked the bookie. 'Number 5,' was the answer. 'Do you know,' said Murphy, 'that was the one I was afraid of!'

'Honestly Father,' said Biddie McGrath. 'Your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn't know what sin was till you came to the parish!'

Two Sisters of Charity were walking past the local hostelry. Suddenly out on to the pavement stumbled Mickey Kelly. Drunkenly he staggered forward towards the holy ladies. He got to within four feet of them when the nuns parted and let him pass between them. 'My God, Sisters,' said Kelly, totally confused. 'How did you do that?'

'We're almost out of ammunition,' shouted the soldier to Sergeant Casey.

'Don't let the enemy know,' called Casey. 'Keep firing!'

Have you heard about the Irish firing squad that stood in a circle?

'I'm a member of the Irish Secret Service,' boasted Murphy. 'And I don't care who knows it!'

'You lot are a complete disgrace,' bellowed the sergeant major.

'That's the worst straight line I've ever seen. All fall out and come and take a look at it!