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A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe will tip.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
In Canada, there are only 2 seasons - six months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobiling
Q: What does a Goal Keeper and a Quebec girl have in common?
A: Both change their pads after three periods...
How many newfees does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
2. One to hold the cookie, and one to squeeze the rabbit.
What's the definition of a Canadian? - A disarmed American with health care...
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
An Ontarion, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.
Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.
First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.
Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!"
Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.
Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...
"SHIIIIITTTT!!!"
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Seeing 2 dogs doing the deed, the embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain this to her students. "You see, the dog on top hurt his paw, and the one on the bottom is taking him to the doctor."
"Oh, I see," said on of the students, "Just like in the US, try to help somebody and they screw you every time..."
Why does a Canadian cross the road?
To get to the middle.
What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.
Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.
A TRUE STORY!
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "what the hell was that for?"
The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you over,
you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him up side the head with the nightstick too.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?"
The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I
wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Newfoundlander on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Newfoundlander remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Jest the once b'y!" he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" The Newfoundlander replied "She said, Don't Stop George, Don't Stop!."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American.
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A truly Canadian Apology to the USA...
Courtesy of Rick Mercer from 'This Hour Has 22 Minutes', CBC Television:
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Hope This Is Enough Jokes For Now, But i will soon be adding more,
Thanks, Web master | |
